Ok, we are smack dab in the middle of the Christmas shopping season and even if you don't celebrate the holiday, since maybe you are of a different religion, or just plain don't believe in Christmas, it seems that you're still being forced to shell out money and produce a gift, be it for a significant other, friend, or co-worker (damn you secret Santa, why you paired me with the lonely weirdo and not the pretty blonde with the big rack?).

So, whether you like it or not, you will be Christmas shopping this year. Well you have this week and next week to find something, so you better get on it. What's that? You don't know what to get? Har har har, yes that sounds a bit familiar. We've all encountered the two types of people that are impossible to shop for.

#1 The significantly wealthy individual (or couple) who are so filthy rich, they buy a new microwave whenever the timer reaches zero. They are so rich, they buy formal language training programs for their doorman, just so that he knows how to announce his guests in 20 different languages (and 10 regional dialects). They have so much cash, bank CEO's have wet dreams about them at night and their autographed posters on their bedroom walls. Now what do you get the man or woman or couple who have everything?

#2 The hopeless individual. I'm talking about the type that no matter what you get it's either no good for him/her or have no use for it. Elderly persons are often the protagonists in this category. They never go out of the house and they hate anything and everything. What can you possibly buy them that would make them happy? How about the loner living in his parent's basement who needs a personality upgrade just to raise his status to "mildly threatening"?

Here are 5 gifts that are guaranteed to please both groups. And to keep in with the theme of this blog, they are all inexpensive, and fit within most people's budget (except maybe the first one). Oh, and surprise, surprise...they all come from Japan. The batshit insane capital of the world. Enjoy.


#1 Ear scope
Cost: $165 usd

Have you ever had that sensation that something was in your ear, but your stubby fingers could never quite reach it? Did you always aspire to become an Ear Nose and Throat doctor, but you are so dumb your parents were thrown in jail the moment you were born, out of concern of smuggling dangerous monkeys in a female's uterus? Did you think Q-tips are too 1920's and people would make fun of you cleaning your ears with a mini chimney sweeper's brush? Meet the Ear Scope. Now you can finally see what's in there <insert dramatic sound effect>

The woman is clearly brain dead from poking her ear a few too many times. It's like she discovered a whole new alien species living in there. Watch her remove that glob of wax she's been building in there (normally might I add), put it in an incubator and refer to it from now on as "my little babies".


#2 Porn star juice
Cost: $17 usd

Oh dear, this is making me a little uncomfortable. I don't know if it's the surgeon's general warning on STD's present in a porn's star's actual juice, or common sense smacking me in the face with the back of its hand on why putting actual vaginal lubrication in a bottle and selling it is a bad thing for consumers.



Normally I would call BS the minute I saw this, but this being from Japan and all....I just don't know. You can order it yourself and try it out. Just don't give this to grandma or grandpa ok?


#3 Beer for children
Cost: $1.7 usd / bottle

Ah, those rich bastards you're shopping for have made an offspring and have a kid running around (more likely 4 or more since they are filthy rich and can afford the financial drain 4 or more kids brings). Well, introduce them to beer, why not?



Now when junior wants to play mom and day, he can actually get drunk and slap his "wife" around...which will get him well on its way to his first domestic disturbance by age 8, first DUI by age 10 and first aggravated assault by age 11. At 14 when he comes out of juvenile detention he can finally start his life as a wannabe thug too drunk to remember what he stole or how to run from the cops.


#4 Knee peeing pillow
Cost: $26 usd

This one is for the guys on your shopping list. Does this sound familiar: your best bro or cousin or other relative calls you in the middle of the night for a chat at Tim Hortons and he pours his soul out. "Dude", he says, "I need something to muffle my pee sounds when I go to the washroom...my wife/girl just doesn't understand how hard it is for us guys to pee from a significant height". "I mean, how am I supposed to conduct my field meetings on my cell, when everyone on the other line can hear my stream of urine hit the water of the bowl?". To which I reply..."have you ever tried hitting the top of the bowl with your stream..you know, the part just above the water level but below the rim of the toilet?". An awkward silence fills the room... But not for long. Meet the Pee Without Noise Stool.



To quote the product description "Kneeling on its soft cushions positions you at the exact right height to land your stream in the bowl at a much-reduced velocity and volume level." 'Nuff said.


#5 The poking box
Cost: $85 usd

The finger, truly this Christmas season you need to give the gift of the finger. That faithful companion does everything, from pointing to poking to scratching to insulting. Well, now you have one more thing to add to the list...penetrating. No, I don't mean THAT, you sicko. I mean sticking your finger inside an entertainment unit in order to grope and tickle and do other perversions to an animated pixelated critter.



Just take a look at that. The money shot comes around 0:10 when the girl almost wets herself at the thought of finger raping that crudely drawn fictional character displayed on screen. She starts finger fucking the unit with such an enthusiasm that video game characters declared it an official national day of mourning.

Happy holidays everyone and here's to finding that perfect gift for that special someone!