Ok, we are smack dab in the middle of the Christmas shopping season and even if you don't celebrate the holiday, since maybe you are of a different religion, or just plain don't believe in Christmas, it seems that you're still being forced to shell out money and produce a gift, be it for a significant other, friend, or co-worker (damn you secret Santa, why you paired me with the lonely weirdo and not the pretty blonde with the big rack?).

So, whether you like it or not, you will be Christmas shopping this year. Well you have this week and next week to find something, so you better get on it. What's that? You don't know what to get? Har har har, yes that sounds a bit familiar. We've all encountered the two types of people that are impossible to shop for.

#1 The significantly wealthy individual (or couple) who are so filthy rich, they buy a new microwave whenever the timer reaches zero. They are so rich, they buy formal language training programs for their doorman, just so that he knows how to announce his guests in 20 different languages (and 10 regional dialects). They have so much cash, bank CEO's have wet dreams about them at night and their autographed posters on their bedroom walls. Now what do you get the man or woman or couple who have everything?

#2 The hopeless individual. I'm talking about the type that no matter what you get it's either no good for him/her or have no use for it. Elderly persons are often the protagonists in this category. They never go out of the house and they hate anything and everything. What can you possibly buy them that would make them happy? How about the loner living in his parent's basement who needs a personality upgrade just to raise his status to "mildly threatening"?

Here are 5 gifts that are guaranteed to please both groups. And to keep in with the theme of this blog, they are all inexpensive, and fit within most people's budget (except maybe the first one). Oh, and surprise, surprise...they all come from Japan. The batshit insane capital of the world. Enjoy.


#1 Ear scope
Cost: $165 usd

Have you ever had that sensation that something was in your ear, but your stubby fingers could never quite reach it? Did you always aspire to become an Ear Nose and Throat doctor, but you are so dumb your parents were thrown in jail the moment you were born, out of concern of smuggling dangerous monkeys in a female's uterus? Did you think Q-tips are too 1920's and people would make fun of you cleaning your ears with a mini chimney sweeper's brush? Meet the Ear Scope. Now you can finally see what's in there <insert dramatic sound effect>

The woman is clearly brain dead from poking her ear a few too many times. It's like she discovered a whole new alien species living in there. Watch her remove that glob of wax she's been building in there (normally might I add), put it in an incubator and refer to it from now on as "my little babies".


#2 Porn star juice
Cost: $17 usd

Oh dear, this is making me a little uncomfortable. I don't know if it's the surgeon's general warning on STD's present in a porn's star's actual juice, or common sense smacking me in the face with the back of its hand on why putting actual vaginal lubrication in a bottle and selling it is a bad thing for consumers.



Normally I would call BS the minute I saw this, but this being from Japan and all....I just don't know. You can order it yourself and try it out. Just don't give this to grandma or grandpa ok?


#3 Beer for children
Cost: $1.7 usd / bottle

Ah, those rich bastards you're shopping for have made an offspring and have a kid running around (more likely 4 or more since they are filthy rich and can afford the financial drain 4 or more kids brings). Well, introduce them to beer, why not?



Now when junior wants to play mom and day, he can actually get drunk and slap his "wife" around...which will get him well on its way to his first domestic disturbance by age 8, first DUI by age 10 and first aggravated assault by age 11. At 14 when he comes out of juvenile detention he can finally start his life as a wannabe thug too drunk to remember what he stole or how to run from the cops.


#4 Knee peeing pillow
Cost: $26 usd

This one is for the guys on your shopping list. Does this sound familiar: your best bro or cousin or other relative calls you in the middle of the night for a chat at Tim Hortons and he pours his soul out. "Dude", he says, "I need something to muffle my pee sounds when I go to the washroom...my wife/girl just doesn't understand how hard it is for us guys to pee from a significant height". "I mean, how am I supposed to conduct my field meetings on my cell, when everyone on the other line can hear my stream of urine hit the water of the bowl?". To which I reply..."have you ever tried hitting the top of the bowl with your stream..you know, the part just above the water level but below the rim of the toilet?". An awkward silence fills the room... But not for long. Meet the Pee Without Noise Stool.



To quote the product description "Kneeling on its soft cushions positions you at the exact right height to land your stream in the bowl at a much-reduced velocity and volume level." 'Nuff said.


#5 The poking box
Cost: $85 usd

The finger, truly this Christmas season you need to give the gift of the finger. That faithful companion does everything, from pointing to poking to scratching to insulting. Well, now you have one more thing to add to the list...penetrating. No, I don't mean THAT, you sicko. I mean sticking your finger inside an entertainment unit in order to grope and tickle and do other perversions to an animated pixelated critter.



Just take a look at that. The money shot comes around 0:10 when the girl almost wets herself at the thought of finger raping that crudely drawn fictional character displayed on screen. She starts finger fucking the unit with such an enthusiasm that video game characters declared it an official national day of mourning.

Happy holidays everyone and here's to finding that perfect gift for that special someone!

From September 8 to 18 we are playing hosts once more to the Toronto International Film Festival. Should I go? If you truly want to experience any of the 400 films from over 60 countries, then the answer is definitely yes. Lots of good ones premiere at this festival, but the bulk of them are definitely a borefest. You just have to find the gems yourself.

Now if you only want to experience the hollywood stars and give a crap about Brad and Angelina and the rest of the gang, then I think you're better off watching them at home and keeping the downtown streets unclogged. But, I do understand some of you are diehard fans, and if they entertain you, then why not? Go nuts! Sit and camp under the window of their hotel room with the photographers and that good mannered hobo who holds your door while you go into Timmy's (I always suspected that guy is actually a bored Bay St. billionaire, out on his lunch conducting a sociological experiment). Anyway, back to TIFF - beware that along with the A stars there's also some A-class garbage that's gonna fill our streets. Those special stars with an asterisk besides their A's, like the diva who can't make an appearance without a pair of diamond-encrusted headphones. Following is a reenactment of the proper response.

J'LO Reenactment

Now one more time, how many tiaras your highness requests?

Or the posers who can't produce an original song if they were slapped in the face by a trout.


Pictured: Fergie using the five finger discount technique on a stolen mobile.
It's not stealing if u change the ringtone.

And of course, who could forget the douchebags. Stay away from these A-class garbage should they be encountered on our streets come TIFF time. Like the idiots who can't put out a song w/out smearing their douche name all over its lyrics...you know, in case you mistake their voice with some church choir that has inexplicably made its way onto your "Gangasta' in my ass" album.


Youtube


Youtube

Cost for TIFF: $12.00 to $22.25 + tax (adult) per screening

Today I had the privilege of understanding the thought process behind a new advertisement from a large financial firm. Now the ad is targeting online investors who use brokerage accounts to place their trades. This company, let's call it Bank X, wants to appeal more to traders out there, and other investors holding accounts at various other institutions. So the geniuses from the marketing department, concocted a bunch of ads and then hired me to provide valuable feedback. Upon seeing these ads for the first time, I exploded into uncontrolled laughter, wondering just WTF does it take to get those guys' jobs.

Now these are absolutely real ads that I had to rate in the order of preference and other factors. I have not modified the ads in any way, except for blurring the company name and giving my own input as to the most probable website those cartoon characters are looking at, while promoting the banking products.

So for each shot I was presented, I took a brief look at it. After coming to from my laughter blackout I began to make a list of what are the most likely websites on those guys' computer screens based on their expressions. The results are presented below:

Most likely browsing...
#1


      
Look at this retard. I mean...look at him. He looks like a freakin mental patient. Is this how the bank sees us? As a bunch of retards tapping the mouse button ad-nauseam? Looks like they plucked some big brother reject from the agency, stuck him in front of a computer, put some Scooby Doo cartoons on, and took the snapshot.

Most likely browsing...
#2


      
This guy brings the word "creepy" to a whole new level. He kinda looks like a stoner, who just had a fat joint and is looking for the Pizza Hut delivery website. However my money is on the "creepy father" type, who likes to use the word "young" in all of his Google searches. Looks like a typical Sunday morning for this guy, where his wife and kids are still asleep, but Mr. Rogers here woke up early, got his morning paper and coffee, and is now ready to browse the young kids of America website. He and the aforementioned Pedo Bear have a lot in common.

Most likely browsing...
#3


      
This asian guy is clearly up to no good, and judging from his expression, as soon as he mastered the pipe-bomb technique he will use it on his next opportunity. Life clearly pissed this guy off, and he's ready for revenge.

By now I think they realized what a disaster it was to have guys stand in front of a monitor that we are not allowed to see, with the absolute most ridiculous or creepy expression on their faces. So going forward we are finally revealed the monitor screen. Ahem! Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

Most likely browsing...
#4


      
Meet Billy! He's a fresh divorcee, who's now such a loser, that he needs to stalk his ex-wife on a daily basis to make sure she's at the same level of loserness as he is. Ah, God bless that Facebook.

Most likely browsing...
#5

      
Ah, the white guy with the eyelids half closed and the slight frown. He's either A) stoned to death and totally spaced out, or B) most likely a little pervert with a big secret. This guy's typical day involves shopping for stilettos, calling escort agencies, then putting on a mask and "Baaaah'ing" like a sheep while the mistress steps on his sack with a 5" heel. Life is goood! Baaaah!

Most likely browsing...
#6


      
And finally we have the angry chinese father, always keeping an eye on his children. How dare they go to the mall, when's it's math time. "You go learn now, be good doctor for wealthy gweilo!".


BONUS
      
Here's one that I think was left off the cutting room floor. Even though I found it in the company's trash bin, I managed to retrieve it and show it to you. This one is tricky, because they almost let one slip through depicting a woman placing online trades (gasp!), before it was tossed in the garbage with unbridled enthusiasm. I think the dialogue in the boardroom went something like this:

VP Marketing Guy #1 - A'ight, so the last one we have here is "White female placing trades".
VP Marketing Guy #2 - What? Are you sure?
Marketing Director Guy - Yea, are you sure about that?

VP Marketing Guy #1 - Umm..yea I've no clue how this one got in here. I mean female traders...seriously?
Marketing Director Guy - Haha, good one sir!

VP Marketing Guy #1 - Well, it's not a total loss. That chick is totally doable, har har, am I right Suzie? Eh? Would you make out with her if both of you were drunk, Suz?
Assistant Suzie *Sigh*

Marketing Director Guy - Haha, OMFG, that was so funny! You go buddy! Can I have some days off now, these 6 hrs days are killing me.

Quick what does

This		This
	AND

have in common???

Well, the answer is everything. Those are just two synonyms to describe the same entity. This week I was (un)fortunate enough to experience the Naga Jolokia pepper, or sometimes called the Ghost Chili. According to Guiness World Records, it is the hottest, spiciest, meanest pepper on the planet. It is grown in a remote region between India and Bangladesh, by the tribal inmates of an insane asylum, who have gone completely postal. Stories have been told of the native elders believing that capital punishment and death row is too lenient for the most heinous of crimes, so this pepper was invented to punish those most deserving of absolutely the most despicable acts of violence and/or crime. Those unfortunate enough to be sentenced to such a punishment, would receive a dose of this chili pepper and forced to ingest it, soon thereafter the gates of hell opening and swallowing them whole, dragging them straight to hell.

The preceding was not a metaphor. You see, there's a thing called the Scoville Scale. This was invented to measure the distance between normal and melting point of steel. This way we can categorize all of our peppers according to this scale..hot - hotter - hottest - death incarnate - Naga Jolokia.


Source.

Now you see how your run-of-the-mill jalapeno grocery store pepper or tabasco sauce is at a mere 2,500 heat units, while the Naga is at a bone crushing 855,000 - 1,463,000 heat units. Yea that is totally accurate.

However in the name of science we decided to perform a test. Valuable data was collected and numerous hypotheses were drawn (mostly around the fact the Naga is the spawn of Satan).

To maintain consistency, our volunteer (let's call him Alex) was instructed to take a whole bite of the entire pepper pod. He was to consume the entire pepper, chew it thoroughly (including the seeds) and then provide a status update every 10 seconds.

The camera began recording at 17:00:00 Eastern Standard Time on June the 11th, 2011.
Location: classified.
The entire crew, including the experiment subject were never heard from again. The following footage has been discovered and now posted for the first time:

17:00:24

Pepper is introduced to the subject

17:02:45

The subject is instructed to devour the entire pepper pod, including seeds.
Not pictured the cattle prod used for morale.

17:03:08

Subject collapses in a heap of pain. Protocol B is initiated.

17:05:01

Flames observed from under the floorboards. Intense heat. Mayday, mayday! WHOSH!! AAAHHH!

Comedy clubs are great stress relievers and good entertainment for the buck. They also make good dates, as they lighten the mood and make everyone laugh...relieving that awkward silence one may get on dates. For guys and husbands it's great as they don't need to do anything, just let the dude on stage entertain your woman..plus you'll get a few good hours of nagging breaks. And she enjoys it, as studies continuously show humor is what turns women on the most.

So luckily we have quite a few choices of comedy clubs and comedy shows in the GTA. Yuk Yuk's is by far the best quality vs affordability vs location. They have multiple locations throughout the GTA (although expect the prime downtown location to get the bigger stars who can't stay in town too long). What you need to do is browse the 'Upcoming shows' link of the site to know in advance when good comedians are scheduled. This shows the downtown location flier.

That being said there are many others in Toronto, but not as famous, so expect less experienced comics and more amateurs (which can be just as good but more of a hit and miss). blogTO covers them pretty well so check them out.

Your other options are the Just for Laughs festival, which usually features only proven high-caliber comics and therefore charges a lot more for its shows. They are currently touring Canada so check them out.

And then there are the douchebags. I truly believe this term was born in the stand-up comedy world, as there are so many douchebaggery layers found here, one can easily become quite ill from it. Avoid these guys like the plague...worse than the plague. I would rather be the umbilical cord holder at an abortion party than watch a second of these douchebags. I would prefer to empty my bank account, purchase tickets and travel to russia, trap a wolverine, inject with rabies, then spread female wolverine bitch-in-heat urine all over my groin and set him lose on it, than listening to any of the following types. Oh and for the respect of these "comics", their jokes have not been altered in any way below.

The Annoying Douchebag
Gilbert Gottfried

You may know this douche from the AFLAC commercials..AFLAC!!!, or his skits on the Tonight Show always ending in "Son'of'a bitch" in a special annoying whiny voice. A few days after the disaster in Japan, classy as he is, unleashed a barrage of Japan jokes on twitter. He got his ass fired from Aflac and currently trying to make it up by touring around. Don't attend.



The Arrogant Douchebag
Dane Cook

What an a**hole! Seriously, watching his act is like pulling teeth...orphan teeth..w/out anesthesia..while kicking them in the nads. It's hard to tell at this point if this asshat is trying to act like a douche so people will talk about him, or if he got molested by the entire nazi SS when he was young, and he's just trying to repress those memories with awkward gay humor. Either way, he fails miserably and he should be stoned to death (and I'm being generous here..he should actually be raped with spiked clubs, then stoned to death from the groin up).



The Racist Douchebag
Kramer aka Michael Richards

Everyone knows Kramer from Seinfeld. Well he's doing stand-up comedy now, and you do not, I repeat DO NOT, want to sit thru a session with him. This guy was just not build for comedy, he was built for regurgitating lines on Seinfeld, and he did a very good job on that front. But stand-up is a whole 'nother ballgame of entertainment and he just doesn't have it. He's the poster boy for racist comics..you know, the one ones you see every now and then on TV or at a show, who think making fun of other races is hilarious, as long as you have a disclaimer attached to it or an apology at the end. While Kramer boy here was educating a black guy in the audience about "50 yrs ago we'd have you upside down with a f**ing fork up your ass", some latino wannabe comic (born in USA) continues with the 'mexicans over the fence' jokes, while some black guy makes observations about white people so weak at sports, that watching TSN gives them a hernia. Racism is not comedy fools, if you dont have material, stop touring the comedy clubs and just die peacefully.


The Douchebag Theif
Carlos Mencia

If you gonna steal jokes, at least steal the idea, then build your own punch lines. And even that is low...paris hilton, lindsay lohan low. Stealing stuff in the workforce is unacceptable and if any of us did it, we'd be sacked and humiliated like a retarded mule. Yet somehow the douchebag thief thinks this is ok as long as he changes the names of the persons in the joke, or the setting. FU Mencia and FU all you other comic thieves. If I find myself at any of your shows I will take my steak knife and stab the baby closest to me, just so the diversion is gruesome enough to have your entire audience remember "I'm never attending another Mencia show again..some lunatic gutted an innocent little baby boy last time I was there".


The Insulting Douchebag
Brad Garrett

You know em'. Most people cringe sitting at the front when going at a comedy club. "Oh, for the love of Jeff, don't sit in the front row or they'll pick on you"..they say. These unfunny diarrhea-factories are the ones who cannot, under any circumstances, think of anything funny, so they just pick on the audience and insult them hoping for a cheap laugh. They especially love targeting couples, making some sort of retarded joke about the guy's (supposedly) tiny penis, or the woman's promiscuity. These morons are everywhere, even on TV, and the only ones more stupid than them, are the idiots who actually laugh at their remarks (not many mind you). I've been trying to catch these jackasses at the clubs by sitting in the front and being an "easy mark" for them to pick on, but alas I haven't come across many. I don't like to pay money for an idiot with no material.


The Unfunny, Just Plain Awful, Douchebag
Dane Cook

Yes, him again. Just by mentioning his name twice in this blog will probably result in him blowing his load all over the keyboard after googling his name and finding himself referenced twice on a Toronto blog. He's such an attention whore that he would suck his sister off if he thought it would be put on TV. This guy is the complete anti-funny, the end of the spectrum, and if you really fancy yourself as "I can take anything", just google his acts on youtube. Go on, I'll wait. You know what..here's a pic of him again. If this face does not incite you to punch your screen, then you are dead inside and should really be in a doctor's office and not reading blogs.

The Female Douchebag

I had a whole paragraph lined up for some of the female comics, but I'm just gonna let the "material" do the talking. Enjoy.

Margaret Cho talkie liky asin jokey

Kathy Griffin and her lovely voice (someone give me a barf bag)

Whoopi Goldberg one-liners. The rimshot guy was found dead with a self-inflicted gunshot later that day.


Yo, writer...so then WHO IS WORTH SEEING???

Anyone not on this list! Nuff said? Go and enjoy a night out of comedy, laughter makes us forget all of our troubles. We have lots to choose from in T.O. just don't be choosing any of the douchebags above, ok?

Cost: $10 for obscure Absolute Comedy shows to $100+ for Just for Laughs shows

Three men died on Christmas Eve and are met by Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter says, "You must each possess something that sybolizes the spirit of Christmas if you want to get into heaven".

The first man, worried, fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a lighter. He flicks it on and says "This represents a candle".

"You may pass through the gates" Saint Peter says.

The second man, visibly worried, reaches into his pockets and pulls out a set of keys. He starts shaking them and says, "These are Christmas bells."

"You may pass through the gates" Saint Peter says to him as well.

The third man panics. starts searching desperately through his pockets....then after a while he finally pulls out a pair of beautiful women's panties.

St. Peter looks at the man with a raised eyebrow and asks "Umm, and just what do those symbolize?"

The man replies, "These are Carols." :)

Merry Christmas everyone and peace to you all!