Earlier this year I was one of the first to review the latest kitsch, brought to you by Cineplex - Timeplay. And it bombed miserably. And to tell you the truth I was a bit generous with my review. It was one of the worst moments of wasted time I have ever encountered.

Now, about 6 months later, I've decided to revisit this train wreck and purchased a movie ticket at one of Cineplex's fine locations. I've gotta say this previously declared disaster area that was ready to be sealed in nuclear waste containers and dropped to the bottom of the ocean, has actually significantly improved. No longer manned by 5-year olds (I presume), its content now at least passes for entertainment. Its games actually incorporate trivia and fun facts that reward movie buffs and strong reflexes and punishes the flock of bimbos randomly poking their mobile screens with their STD infested gel nails. Who knew that something challenging that requires knowledge and quick thinking makes the rewards that much enjoyable?

Now if you look at the product's homepage it still has the same gay content that it originally launched with.


For ages 1-3.
Press 1 for Male and 2 for Female? I've seen more effort from comatose patients fighting off an attempted hospital rape. But don't be discouraged, that's just leftover waste from 6 months ago. If the content I witnessed today is the standard nowadays, this should be a lot more fun and worth while trying. Give it a go, it's free.

Cost: Free - top 3 get rewarded with 100 scene points and other free stuff

Back at the beginning of December I was one of the few ones who got to test the new screen interaction app put out by Cineplex <link intentionally removed to protect consumers>. I'm not sure how this project was spawned. Looking at the quality of the finished product, it was most likely some computer science college drop-out, who ended up selling popcorn at one of Cineplex's locations and decided, "Hey, why don't I bring my class project here and apply it to movie theatres. Since there's no grades here, I can't possibly get an F again".

But I got geek skills, how can I fail in computers?

Well little Johnny drop-out was wrong. This little disaster of a project that the baboon management commitee at Cineplex decided to market is just a mess. Surprising as the concept sounds promising on paper.

It's an app that you can download before going to the movies. Then once in the theatre you have that long gap before the movie starts with annoying ads and useless movie trivia. Why not make the screen interactive at its peak of boredom? So, in theory, this was supposed to be an app that lets movie goers interact with the screen and with other people in the hall, from their mobile devices.

Now what I envisioned was some cool Mario Kart type racing game on screen. Or some ultimate Mortal Kombat games between handheld users. Or even some interactive Sims type game, where on-screen you can go up to player, Jim, and spit in his face, or have your character go up to player Suzy and cock punch her in the face. That would've been a bit awkward once you realized Suzy was the middle aged woman next to your seat, and her slow turning glare towards your person would've sent you into Shamesville with a bullet train ticket ride.


They couldn't even photoshop the product right. What an all around amateur job. (Shakes head)

Well I can announce this app has none of those. All this app does is spam more ads and commercials in your face. What you get is a giant static ad on screen before the coming attractions start, and you finger raping your mobile screen causes mini ripples on the big screen. Or you dragging your finger on your screen, again causes some dragging motion on screen. Your "ripples" are color coded so if 5 people in the theatre do the same thing, you'll see 5 colored ripples on the screen. At every single point in this interaction this message was very clear "I must buy Dove body lotion", which was the background image that I could "interact" with. If you give this "game" to your 2 year old to play with, he will slingshot the device back in your face and promptly attempt to call Child Services on this Tommy Tutone play phone. More shameless advertising I have not seen since the Superbowl, where the game is stopped every 2 minutes for a commercial break.

Well, that was the beta testing period back in December, and I had hoped that things would have improved once it was fully released. However during the holidays I experienced the same crap. Don't be surprised if the app on your phone is loaded with adware, after all, companies paid quite a bit to Cineplex to allow movie goers to be bombarded with their products' ads.

How can we fight back? Easy, just follow these simple steps, and once movie theatres realize how much of a hand we have in this, they will maybe treat us with more respect.

1. Always show up for your movie 10 minutes late. Being on time or worse, early, gives theatres an audience of customers forced to watch their ads with the surround sound volume on and with their attention to the screen (well there's nothing else to do there). Don't worry, 10 min late will still get you on time for the coming attractions, but the theatres lose the audience for their many ads at the beginning.

2. Stop buying concessions (popcorn, drinks, candy, nachos). Just don't do it. Your $6 bag of popcorn costs them 40 cents. If you must chomp on something during the movie, do everyone a favor and bring from home or from some fast food joint. Just sneak it in and be done with it. This ain't the airport and the minimum wage kid who rips your ticket could not give a damn about it even if he does point to it.

3. See your favorite movie in the first 10 days of opening time, never after. Most of the ticket sales in the first 10 days of the release go to the studio company. The longer the movie lingers in theatres, the less go to studios and more goes to Cineplex and theatre companies. By the 5th week theatres grab 85% of ticket sales, whereas at opening they only got maybe 15%. If you have to wait several weeks, then just wait a bit more and catch it on Netflix, Torrents, etc.

4. Speaking of, sign up for Netflix and watch all your movies on your TV/computer/playstation. Be sure to google how to use Netflix US and not the subpar Canadian version which has far fewer movies for a more expensive price.

Cost: App is free to download from istore, android store

You've got less than 2hrs to meet Walter Isaacson who will make an appearance today at 7PM at Indigo Manulife Centre 55 Bloor St W. (in Toronto). If you don't know who he is, he's the writer of the Steve Jobs biography.

This is Stevie Jobs.

For those of you who had no clue wtf this Walter guy is (until I told you just now), then go on and carry on with your lives. Walter Isaacson is nonetheless a well established journalist and author, who had unprecedented access to an innovator in the technology industry and thus was able to capture a lot of details about Steve Jobs' life. For the rest of you fanbois who take it to the extreme with the apple products, when you come home you can rub one out on his signature, then make sure to remind us in your facebook status update how much superior and cool your apple device is and how those haters and non-believers are stuck in the ye old century.


And Jesus said to his followers: Thou shalt not type...wait a sec...not another freeze.
Time to move into the 1st century and get me one of those cool new iphones with an s at the end.

Cost: Free