This will be the last weekend left to enjoy Niagara Falls' Festival of Lights. For families and young ones you can take a day off and let the kids enjoy the lighting displays. If it's a romantic gateway, you can still enjoy the lights from the ice skating rink at TD Rink at the Brink. You can have an evening with your loved one on the ice, followed by a nice round of cocoa someplace warm, preferably after 10pm near the falls and the fireworks show.

Just remember to not fall prey to the extra (voluntary) taxes that many business in the Niagara region will try to levy on you. Be a savy consumer, read this comprehensive CBC article, and don't take shit from noone. If the service was spectacular leave a big tip. If they try to gouge you and disguise the "destination marketing fee" then reply politely they can "shove that fee right up their ass"!

Festival cost: free

As winter rolls upon us, so do the indoor activities. One popular activity in the GTA nowadays is participating in focus groups. However, one may think it's very tough to get a job in those focus groups. Actualy it's very easy, just remember one thing...anonymity is king. This is the only job where there are no in-person interviews, meaning the screening is always done online or over the phone. That gives you a huge advantage, as without the embarrassment of being caught lying in front of a live person, and without any consequences for failure, you are free to manipulate and spin the interviewers around your fingers.

Let your imagination run wild and always give the answers they want to hear.

Here is an example of a job posting looking for focus group participants:
Focus Group seeks Males & Females Ages 35 - 64 for a 1 hour discussion about SUVs.
Preliminary Qualifications:
- males and females
- ages 35 -64
- have not participated in any focus group discussions / interviews (with any company) within the past 6 months
- you own a 2008 or later model SUV
- you own one of the following models: Nissan, Mercedes, BMW, Audi, Ford, Honda, Hyundai, KIA, Dodge, Toyota
- household income at least $75,000

*GASP* Now I can tell you, as a poor white young Canadian boy I only qualify as a "male" above and that's about it. All of the other bullet points completely disqualify me. Oh noes! There goes my paycheque.

DAMN YOU MOTHER FU....ERS!!!!.

Now hold on a minute. I need that money damnit! Now their job is to find people in that specific demographic group. My job as the Canadian consumer is to take their money and get paid. So here is what a smooth operator sees when the the above "qualifications" are disclosed to him/her:

- males and females Well I gotta be at least one of those...Check!
- ages 35 -64 Ok so I'm 5 yrs younger. Quick thinking..let my beard grow, get some aging lines by squinting at all times, put some old grandpa glasses on and choose an outfit that my dad acquired in 1976. Check!
- have not participated in any focus group discussions / intereviews (with any company) within the past 6 months Use an alias. Middle names work great. Ethnic names do too. If any part of your alias in on your drivers license, you can switch them up at will. Check!
- you own a 2008 or later model SUV Crap, mine is 2007 and not an SUV. I could change the registration title but all those damn pesky security features prevent a scan/print. Now what? Grab a DSLR, shoot a hi res image of the registration, print, scan, change model/year - find appropriate font to match, print, cut out..BAM! New title for a fictitious vehicle. Just dont show it to any cop and you'll be golden (that's illegal btw so don't do it!). Now, for my focus group purposes it's improvisation so...check!
- you own one of the following models: Nissan, Mercedes, BMW, Audi, Ford, Honda, Hyundai, KIA, Dodge, Toyota See above..change registration. Check!
- household income at least $75,000 Well mine is one bajillion gajillion dollars...try and check that one out. Check!

Well that was easy. Improvisation, quick thinking, and imagination will give you access to all of those focus groups that are not quite in your demographic group. If there's two (2) things that you must remember, they are:

1. "It's not a lie...if you believe it"!




2. "You look down, they know you're lying and up, they know you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make them laugh. They've got to like you then forget you the moment you've left the room. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances... "!




Cost: $75-200 per job

Skiing can be really fun. I would compare it with swimming. At the beginning you're a little terrified of it, but once you dive in, it becomes more and more fun. This can be an expensive activity, but there are ways to save big. First, decide what type of skier you are. Are you going no more than twice a year? If so, then maybe renting out equipment is best for you. Still, expect upwards of $60 for equipment rentals and lift tickets, and a quick search on kijiji can yield skis under $100. This is a very kijiji-friendly item that you should have no worries buying there. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever to buy skis at retail price if you're not professionally involved in the sport.

Only excuse allowed for buying retail.

This year once more I had the opportunity to test a few more slopes and resorts, and can thus provide a rough guideline of my findings. I will use the skifree dude to rate the different places on a scale of 1-little-scared-skier to 5-most-awesome-little-scared-skiers. Not to imply I am the little scared skier or anything. I'm really not, I swear. If you are not familiar, skifree was one of the first ski-themed video games out there and I do remember playing it on my 386 ibm and thinking it was the coolest thing ever on my computer.

Dagmar Ski Resort (TO East)

Difficulty:
Fun:
Price:

Pros: Ease of access for folks living in the east end. Great beginner hill with carpet lift, no more dreaded ski lift for the inexperienced rookie and the terrified little girl. Great parking right next to the slopes. Nice open lodge for chillin and warming up.

Cons: Small hill, short runs. Lack of snowboarder dude music.


Glen Eden Ski Resort (TO West)

Difficulty:
Fun:
Price:

Pros: Ease of access for folks living in the west end. More challenging slopes for the experienced. Tubing hill.

Cons: Beginner hill segregated from the actual ski hill - slope too gentle to learn anything. Awful parking far away from the slopes, they run a shuttle tractor to get you there, no joke - judging from the CN railroad lines that run basically thru the middle of the lodge, they had a tough time securing land over there. Lodge is small with poor ventilation reeking of toddler sweat. Tubing hill sucks.


Horseshoe Resort (TO North)

Difficulty:
Fun:
Price:

Pros: Least expensive, not counting gas getting there. Fun runs. Great beginner area. Great parking right next to slopes. Cross-country skiing.

Cons: Food and drinks expensive. No carpet lifts.


Blue Mountain (TO Way North)

Difficulty:
Fun:
Price:

Pros: Cross-country skiing. Great views on your way down. A lot of runs to choose from.

Cons: Most wallet-breaking expensive, not counting gas getting there. Way way north. With our traffic takes forever getting there and back, which makes overnight trips a must, which are insanely expensive, which leaves a bigger hole in your wallet, which causes stress, which ruins your trip, which ate the cat, who ate the mouse, who lived in the house that Alex built!!! Phew.

Cost: Varies

Hrmph...is winter slow or what? Well, on this bluest of Mondays with windchills of -28C, shirley we can find something to do indoors, right? Wrong! ...and don't call me Shirley. There will be plenty of time for indoor stuff come rainy spring, snow comes but once a season.

Well, you could follow the advice of the article in the first link and cram chocolate down your throat like a hyper PMS dame in heat to add some excitement in your day, but that would be the equivalent of getting wasted and sleeping one off. Using chocolate to bring spice and excitement in your life is like using typhoid Mary as your 'friends with benefits' partner. The instant gratification obtained on the moment, is shortly lived, followed by remorse and your body never forgiving you.

On a second thought, chocolate may be the lesser evil of the two.

You want excitement on a blue day, ice climbing is it..IT. I dont think anything comes even close, during this season. Best of all, living in a developed nation with safety conscious people and above par health care (more on that later), makes this less of an extreme adventure, and more of a fun and safe outing. Age and gender do not matter and I've personally witnessed dainty little princesses with their hello kitty mittens outperforming my toned and refined upper body on the icefalls. It's not about strength at all, you just let the equipment do the work. And seeing 2 inches of a pick axe hold your entire 170lb body off of a 90° sheet of ice is stuff straight out of Ripley's believe it or not.



Here's what you need to know. Easiest way if you're not a pro is going with a tour and a guide that knows what the hell they're doing. They will take care of all the safety, ropes, equipment and I promise you won't ever need to know what belaying is. Fortunately northern cottage country above Toronto has plenty of cold spots where one can find tours. You can find one here and another one here. The latter one has just one trip a year I believe and for this year is scheduled for Feb 5, 2011.



If you believe the price is high, take a moment and think what it would be, should you want to do it on your own. Uh-huh. Now for safety, the second link covers well pretty much what you need on one these outings. Head cover including ears, a heavy down jacket (10 layers of wool sweaters with a regular lighweight jacket will not do), 2 pairs of gloves as they will get wet (it's ice water not pretend make-belief water) and sun glasses. These are important people, or the photokeratitis (say what?) will hit you so hard and so fast you'll be grounding up oxycodone back home, just to see if you can make it into eye-drops form. Trust me, it hurts like hell.

Hit the ice, good luck and have fun. It's safeeee! If not we got free healthcare, right?

Cost: $100-130 for the entire day

So if you live in the Toronto area you probably woke up to something like this:

My back yard at 9am.

Now before we move any further I do need to remind you that all images in this post have been digitally remastered in full 3D. That's right, we're in the 3D era with the movies, the tv's and our games all in 3D, so I need to conform and cater to the demand out there. But fear not my young friend, you too can experience the beauty of 3D with your very own glasses I made especially for you. So please print and cut out these official Alex™ brand winter glasses and apply them to your head. In fact, this is an order, for if you attempt to look without the proper equipment your retina may implode in ways your cornea never thought possible, and I will not be held liable.



There, now we can continue. So, if you enjoy the unexpected pileup outside thanks to our great lake Ontario, then the best place to be for white powder is tobogganing at Riverdale Park.


The second best place to be for white powder.

It is hands down the best sledding joint in town, with amazing Toronto skyline views and steep hill that will build adrenaline on your way down. It seems like yesterday, rushing down a steep hill after school, dodging trees on the way down, until that one tree right at the bottom and right in the middle of the slope with my name on it, pulled me in for a maximum speed impact. This tree claimed fatalities before, but quick thinking allowed me to bail out at the last time. Unfortunatelly thanks to this guy and his wacky findings, the sled went in crashing dead on the tree, followed by my soft young flesh. Good thing that imense pile of aluminum and wood was there to absorb the impact of the crash. I donated my share of blood that day for my homies 6' under, but lived to sled another day.


The proper way to sled - ie. away from the trees.


Cost: Free

Yay, although still about three weeks away, Winterlicious is almost upon us, and here I am giggling like a little school girl. What can I say..food is my weak spot. I missed it last time and I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss it again. This is not to be confused with Summerlicious, which occurs in the summer. No, really.

To summarize, winterlicious is a collection of top restaurants that have agreed to offer a prix fixe 3-course menu for $15 or $20 (lunch)...tad more for dinner. That not only is a killer deal, but you get to finally dine in a pretentious place like Bay St's Far Niente, take their Chive and Truffle Oil purée they call soup, and shove it right down their throats, while making fisting gestures with your hands...you know, just a little payback for the sweaty kuwaiti donkey vomit they tried to shove in your face earlier (albeit with a little chive garnish).

I'd suggest you do your dilligence and reasearch the 5-star restaurant you plan on attending, else you will be disappointed. If you like burgers or greasy food, don't lie to yourself by going to the Feast of the Maharaja restaurant, just cause it's the hot flavor of the month. Forget the stars and choose a place that you and your companions will enjoy..that will make Winterlicious that much savory and enjoyable.

Far Niente Special Entrée: Organic cancrelat gratin with Niagara aged larves croustillant sauce

Cost: $15-20 lunch, $25-35 dinner

It's almost that time of the year...the much anticipated New Year's Eve party. Let me paint a picture for ya:

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The morning of January 1.

Now assuming you celebrated like an animal and now comes the dreaded morning after of January 1, 2011. What do you do?

Well, according to common know-how's you can:

Sleep it off. Boy will that suck, between the nightmares and nausea you won't get much actual sleep.

You can down some coffee and aspirin. Now you're awake and miserable..good one chief.

You can drink a few gallons of water. Ok, maybe that will actually help, but not by much really.

How bout some fruit? See water above and expect it to taste like an ashtray.

You can follow the off-the-wall sayings that people love to spread around at parties, and pump your stomach full of nasty things such as raw egg yolk, curdled milk, pickled fish parts, or cow/pig stomach. If you survive the copious amouts of dyhadration resulted from your now persistent puking, you should move to the last and best hangover cure of them all.

#1. Throw yourself into a freezing Lake Ontario....Wait, what?



Welcome to The Great Canadian Chill taking place the day after the biggest party of the year, January 1, 2011. I can proudly say I will personally use this hangover cure and become a polar bear for a few minutes and will promise a full swim and not a sissy toe dip. Water temperatures hovering at freezing can lead to death in as little as 15 minutes (Source). Current lake temperature is a scary 1.7°C as of today. Eep!

Note: This event encourages donations for the Sick Kids foundation of Canada so I hope you will join me and come on down to the lake. Don't worry, you can remain fully clothed and don't need to participate, there are spots reserved in the warming tent for you to join the rest of the old ladies.

Cost: Any amount donation to Sick Kids