Night Market is a nice family friendly option in the GTA, especially when compared to this, so dads everywhere can rejoice and bring their young'uns. Those worthy of the name dad. There are always exceptions:

The exception.

The main attraction at the Night Market should be the food. Street food! 100+ food vendors. That would be enough to satisfy anyone's appetite. Or for Queen Latifah's dietitian enough to get her fired for trying to starve the Queen to death.


Pictured here sporting that come here shemale look.

There's also a Truck Pull race for those who think hanging out with their queer friend in a bedroom browsing web cam chat rooms and flashing gang signs with kitten whiskers painted on their faces is too pointless.


No, really.

Cost: Free

This will be the last weekend left to enjoy Niagara Falls' Festival of Lights. For families and young ones you can take a day off and let the kids enjoy the lighting displays. If it's a romantic gateway, you can still enjoy the lights from the ice skating rink at TD Rink at the Brink. You can have an evening with your loved one on the ice, followed by a nice round of cocoa someplace warm, preferably after 10pm near the falls and the fireworks show.

Just remember to not fall prey to the extra (voluntary) taxes that many business in the Niagara region will try to levy on you. Be a savy consumer, read this comprehensive CBC article, and don't take shit from noone. If the service was spectacular leave a big tip. If they try to gouge you and disguise the "destination marketing fee" then reply politely they can "shove that fee right up their ass"!

Festival cost: free

Now I've written on Wonderland before, and I've written on CPR before, but this time the two come together in a unique event in the GTA this week. This Thursday, October 25 you can get special discounted tickets for Wonderland, and their special Halloween Haunt shows, together with the regular ride attractions. The catch is you need to attend a special CPR event at the park a few hours before opening time in which a Guinness World Record attempt will be made - largest CPR training session in the world. Oh and you'll learn a little bit about CPR, mostly how important is to dial 911 as soon as possible. The real lessons take place in the classroom, so get out there and get certified for reals.

Event starts around 5:30pm, park opens around 7pm until midnight. And to top it off a gorgeous and balmy 24C fall day awaits you. Buy your tickets here.

Cost: $15 for the event and full access to the park and its rides

The anti-sub war frigate HMCS Ville de Quebec will be visiting us today in Toronto harbour and the public has an opportunity to step aboard and take in this bad motherfucker. How bad is she? Well, just look at its armament. You can visit this bad girl today between 2-5pm and 6-8pm. She'll be open to the public again on Sunday Sept 2 from 1-5pm. The lady is anchored off by Corus Quay on the east side of the downtown harbour, but somehow I don't think anyone can miss it. It's the one sporting all the missiles.

Look at this baby purr.

Cost: Free

If you still don't have a spot reserved for the remaining Euro cup games, Carlsberg has set up various fan zones around the city where you can have a cold one and enjoy the games. Aside from the usual pubs in Italy or Portugal towns, this is a good alternative where people will gather and cheer for their favorite teams.

If you are in somewhat okay shape, why not climb the CN Tower? Aside from bragging rights (to the other housewives, as you mingle in the laundry room), you can also help WWF Canada.

Not this WWF!


This WWF!!!!!!!!!

Every year CN Tower organizes an event of walking up its steps from base to the top (*ahem*, I mean to the Skywalk Atrium which is a few houndred feet short of top). But, why split hairs? If you climb the stairs instead of taking the elevator, you are AWESOME! Not because you managed to go up a few steps Johnny, but because your contributions (fund raising) helped our animal friends. The WWF is the main point of all of this, and whatever contributions they get, it helps to keep our furry friends non-extinct.


This previously molested retard actually compared the CN Tower Climb with Climbing Mount Everest...

When - This Saturday, April 21st, 2012

Cost: $25 registration + $75 mandatory fundraiser for WWF

April 6-8 the All About Pets Show is coming to TO again. This is a chance to meet and talk to experts about your pet. Trainers, vets, breeders will all be in attendance. If you have kids this is a great family outing.

Confirmed pets in attendance: Dogs, Cats, Various Reptiles, Birds, Mice/Rodents

Unconfirmed pets: Exotic cats (bobcats, lynxs), Squirrels, Prairie dogs, Capybaras, Sugar gliders...this list can go on.

Please note if you have a pet yourself you cannot bring it in, unless you are an exhibitor at the show, or unless your pet fits into your pocket.

Who's the little teenie, weenie, little cutie

Cost: $14 adults $10 kids

So you want to get discovered eh? You dream of your ugly mug to dawn tv screens and catwalks and billboards everywhere? And you wish to do so without being cast as lead role in something called "Debbie does East Brampton" or "The Sausagefest Reunion 2 - Backdoor Shenanigans"? Well you are in luck. You have three days where all the big shots from Hollywood, New York, Paris and all the other fancy city names congregate in the Toronto area for a series of auditions and interviews. Do you dream of being on something like American Idol, but are not quite at the same level of retardation and annoyance? This event is for you. Do you dream of modeling for magazines and various ad products and are not quite as fugly as you think? This even is for you. Do you dream of staring in a motion picture or TV series? Wait, that's not really a dream if dirt like this can get airtime.

On your TV right now. You may want to get your cable box tested for STDs.

Well with the scouts coming to TO, all of your dreams have been answered. Talent agents from all over the US and Europe will be in attenadance and all you need to do is show up. No resume required, no photos, no fancy songs and demo tapes. Just show up and be yourself. And for all the ladies in attendance, honey you need to be drop dead gorgeous or else it's just wasted time, competition is much fierce for the women. Age 4 and up.

These folks were discovered in the same manner by the same event. It could be YOU!


Garrett Hedlund star of blockbuster Tron.


Drew Roy star of the sci-fi TV series Falling Skies.


Hilary Rhoda, Estee Lauder model.

The Details:
Tue Nov 15 - Markham, ON
Delta Markham Hotel - 50 East Valhalla Drive Markham, ON L3R 0A3
Truffle 1-3 Ballroom 5:30PM and 7:30PM

Wed Nov 16 - Rexdale, ON
Marriott Toronto Airport - 901 Dixon Rd. Rexdale, ON M9W 1J5
Ballroom 5:30PM and 7:30PM

Thu Nov 17 - Toronto, ON
Pantages Hotel & Spa-Toronto Centre - 200 Victoria Street Toronto, ON M5E 1E1
Ballroom 5:30PM and 7:30PM

The agencies will only be here for three days before heading back to the states so make the most of it. All meeting times/locations are identical so showing up to more than one is useless and quite possibly subject to Section 264 of the Criminal Code of Canada. Again, no need to bring anything except a smile and dress as you would to match your personality. One suggestion is something smart that makes you stand out of the crowd, but not too flashy....as there will be 1000 other monkeys surrounding you dressed in suits. The women need not show excessive skin, that dirty thong can pop out of your jeans all night long, if you have the mug of a mule the only sure thing to go down that night is your self-esteem.

Cost: Free

Halloween...oh yes, has it been another year already? I've already covered this event before, but given the important stature of it, I think it deserves a sequel. After all, all horror movies do, especially this-a-one. Damn, that's where the money is. Shaky home-cam movies. I wish I were a producer on that-a-one. Oh well, time will come, sooner or later, time will come.

In the meantime, how does one spend halloween? Well I suggest starting the night with a nice movie. Not horror, not zombie re-makes, not slasher Scream-type cheesy crap, but a true nail-bitting suspensful flick. One that has you climbing the walls with anticipation. One that you can watch in the dark, with the lights off and with your heart jumping out of your chest. I think this year's Grave Encounters is the perfect fit. I never felt more scared in my own home.

Then to top off the night, I'd suggest heading out to Screemers. They really went to town making sure your experience is as scary as it can get. Also to top it off they have a nice amuzement park carney show that, around midnight, feels a whole lot different than Wonderland. I vividly recall the Ferris wheel carney and his maniacal laugh, not letting us down even when we threatened a litigation suit. Damn, he was an evil SOB.

And then there's the zero gravity Gravitron. This thing is truly the spawn of Satan, a perfect fit for Halloween. This little contraption generates more vomit per cubic inch than a headshot of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Quick, give me a bucket.

Here's one tip for the rookies: DO NOT, under any circumstances, hold your girl in your arms. The G-forces of the ride will multiply her weight by 5. So if you have a cow for a girlfriend, then you sir will be crushed to an untimely death. I came out of that ride with a new-found respect for oxygen, the sweet, sweet O2 that we all take for granted. Is that irony..that I was almost crushed to death at a Halloween festival? Well, visitor beware. It's all fun and games until you realize something is off...just a little.


This 'lady', something is off...


Cost: $23.50/ticket

Now that I'm getting more and more exposure to photography, I think it's time to visit the Anual Exposure & Photo Video Imaging Expo coming to the west end of Toronto starting today. Now I'm no pro and have no intention of going pro in a supra-saturated market of freelance photography, but it's always nice to capture a feeling, a mood, a scenery, a moment in time, just the way you experienced it. You want to share with others exactly what your 3D vision registered on the retina of your dreary eye. Unfortunately as technologically advanced as cameras and SLRs are getting nowadays, they still cannot do all the work for you. Lightning and exposure especially is very finicky, and that Auto setting on your little point-and-shoot comes nowhere near in capturing the exactity of every light particle in the surrounding air. Things such as the sun, shadows, air particles will affect your lens and the way it captures the shot. And the old adage of "hey, I'll just take 1000 shots and later just choose the best 2" is getting old faster than the "Say what?" phrases. Alex, Say What? Well, 1000 bad shots is 1000 bad shots, good luck choosing the less bad out of a whole pile of bad.

There are exceptions of course. Last month I went trekking in the mountains and took 1000 shots of the same lake. But because I took so many, the law of large numbers dictated that at least one of them should come out great. Behold, one of them did. I think it was #857 out of 1000.

999 of the photos looked like this		But #857 somehow was different

I really lucked out eh? The one on the right almost looks like it doesn't belong with the rest like the one on the left, but I tell ya, same lake, same moment, same camera. However that was pretty rare, even by logical standards of Euclidean geometry rationalization and focalization. But I digress....

Unfortunately there are some skills when it comes to photography that you just cannot learn out of thin air (or thick air if you prefer). And let's face it, as much and as Godly photoshop has become these days (I seriously cannot envision a world where I would be unable to take my photoshop to bed with me and snuggle with it before we gently fall into a calm sleep in each other's arms), it can only take you so far. Photoshop will take a bad pic and turn it into a good pic. Photo skills will take an excellent pic and just tinsy bit touch it with photoshop to keep it at excellent level.

Expo shows like this bring in professionals with dozens of years experience to share with the public. Or if you are in the market for equipment, you will get a ton of toys to play with and buy. The Exposure & Photo Video Imaging Expo is on for 3 days, starting today in Mississauga by the airport.

Cost: $15
* Psst, I didn't really take the above photo shots myself so don't sue me for taking credit for them ok?

Warning: For my muslim and jewish brothers, the following contains information about non-halal pork and non-kosher pork by-products. Read at own risk.

So, did you miss the Toronto Ribfest this weekend? Don't fret. There's another one right behind it in the west end...Mississauga Ribfest coming to you week of Jul 16, 17. Location: City Hall area, near Square One. This is barbecue season after all, and nothing spells barbecue better than a pair of sloooow cooked, fall off the bone, you'd stab your own cousin in the back to get one, ribs. There's hardly an animal on this planet that can produce, pound for pound, as much quantity of delicious meat. Piggy gives you best ratio of meat vs waste.

Thank you Babe, pig in the city.

And the above diagram is really the western version, where people are afraid dark meat gives them cooties and animal skin gives them cancer. Truly anything from the pork is edible, if you can see it, you can eat it. Pig organs give you amazing flavor for dishes, intestines casings used for salamis and deli, feet and ears for stews, skin roasted and devoured. Really the only waste is hair and teeth.

But by far the star of the show, and the most flavour can be extracted from:


These bad boys.

The reason is simple, like with any other animal, when you have meat in close proximity to bone, you get a lot of flavor. Take note of that North America, Mr and Mrs Boneless. Bone will regulate the heat around the cooking meat, bone will infuse it with nutrients, bone will keep it moist, and in some cases bone will satisfy a lonely lady. You know, cause lonely women tend to overeat.


She may be sad, but this woman's figure indicates she is most definitely NOT lonely.

Cost: Free to attend, $20 for the 4-day ribs pass that includes food and other stuff

Get ready for the next month, the hottest, busiest month of the year. July 8-24 Summerlicious arrives, Prix Fixe restaurant promotion throughout Toronto. Expect heavy hitters like some of the high end pricy restaurants, as well as the more casual places, to offer a prix fixe 3-course lunch menu anywhere from $15.00 - $25.00 and three course dinner menu from $20.00 - $35.00.

It's the same recurring event each year, with the winter version..umm..in winter. This year over 150 restaurants are participating, which means you have plenty to choose from.


Sadly restaurant Dar Djerba is not on the list. Oh how unfair this world is.

So anyone from big families to the most pretentious Mr Fussy Pants food critic can find something to enjoy at Summerlicious this year.


And don't forget restaurant Far Niente's special.
Still the organic cancrelat gratin with Niagara aged larves croustillant sauce.

Cost: $15.00 - $25.00 lunch and $20.00 - $35.00 dinner

This weekend, Woofstock in the downtown core is here..."300,000 dog lovers and their four-footed friends coming together each year for this wildly popular doggie love-in!". If that place is a'humping...don't go a'knocking! Actually what you'll get is a couple of days of dog shows, stoopid dog tricks and dogs dressed as <insert humiliating character here>. But speaking of stoopid dogs..I will let our friends from 2 Stupid Dogs explain you what this event is all about:

Well our yokel friend over there is correct. It's a great festival to honor our four-legged friends. There'll be dogs as far as the eye can see and if you are a cat person, than this is the absolute worse time to bring out Mrs Whiskers. Unless Mrs Whiskers is the kitten-spawn of Chuck Norris' cat and Steaven Seagal's (asian looking but actually full on white) cat. Then you get something like this, and for the love of Jeff, keep it away from this festival...AIEEEE!!!!


Judo Chop HAI!

Cost: Free

Yay, although still about three weeks away, Winterlicious is almost upon us, and here I am giggling like a little school girl. What can I say..food is my weak spot. I missed it last time and I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss it again. This is not to be confused with Summerlicious, which occurs in the summer. No, really.

To summarize, winterlicious is a collection of top restaurants that have agreed to offer a prix fixe 3-course menu for $15 or $20 (lunch)...tad more for dinner. That not only is a killer deal, but you get to finally dine in a pretentious place like Bay St's Far Niente, take their Chive and Truffle Oil purée they call soup, and shove it right down their throats, while making fisting gestures with your hands...you know, just a little payback for the sweaty kuwaiti donkey vomit they tried to shove in your face earlier (albeit with a little chive garnish).

I'd suggest you do your dilligence and reasearch the 5-star restaurant you plan on attending, else you will be disappointed. If you like burgers or greasy food, don't lie to yourself by going to the Feast of the Maharaja restaurant, just cause it's the hot flavor of the month. Forget the stars and choose a place that you and your companions will enjoy..that will make Winterlicious that much savory and enjoyable.

Far Niente Special Entrée: Organic cancrelat gratin with Niagara aged larves croustillant sauce

Cost: $15-20 lunch, $25-35 dinner