The anti-sub war frigate HMCS Ville de Quebec will be visiting us today in Toronto harbour and the public has an opportunity to step aboard and take in this bad motherfucker. How bad is she? Well, just look at its armament. You can visit this bad girl today between 2-5pm and 6-8pm. She'll be open to the public again on Sunday Sept 2 from 1-5pm. The lady is anchored off by Corus Quay on the east side of the downtown harbour, but somehow I don't think anyone can miss it. It's the one sporting all the missiles.

Look at this baby purr.

Cost: Free

Toronto's Fan expo can be an interesting place for all stuff comics, sci fi, anime, horror, and games related. This weekend from Thursday to Sunday you can catch it downtown with friends or family. It seems this expo is growing bigger and bigger every year, and quite a number of celebrities are making appearances and signing autographs.

And of course there's the cosplay...

Cost: $25-45 per day depending on the day of visit

If you are in somewhat okay shape, why not climb the CN Tower? Aside from bragging rights (to the other housewives, as you mingle in the laundry room), you can also help WWF Canada.

Not this WWF!


This WWF!!!!!!!!!

Every year CN Tower organizes an event of walking up its steps from base to the top (*ahem*, I mean to the Skywalk Atrium which is a few houndred feet short of top). But, why split hairs? If you climb the stairs instead of taking the elevator, you are AWESOME! Not because you managed to go up a few steps Johnny, but because your contributions (fund raising) helped our animal friends. The WWF is the main point of all of this, and whatever contributions they get, it helps to keep our furry friends non-extinct.


This previously molested retard actually compared the CN Tower Climb with Climbing Mount Everest...

When - This Saturday, April 21st, 2012

Cost: $25 registration + $75 mandatory fundraiser for WWF

You've got less than 2hrs to meet Walter Isaacson who will make an appearance today at 7PM at Indigo Manulife Centre 55 Bloor St W. (in Toronto). If you don't know who he is, he's the writer of the Steve Jobs biography.

This is Stevie Jobs.

For those of you who had no clue wtf this Walter guy is (until I told you just now), then go on and carry on with your lives. Walter Isaacson is nonetheless a well established journalist and author, who had unprecedented access to an innovator in the technology industry and thus was able to capture a lot of details about Steve Jobs' life. For the rest of you fanbois who take it to the extreme with the apple products, when you come home you can rub one out on his signature, then make sure to remind us in your facebook status update how much superior and cool your apple device is and how those haters and non-believers are stuck in the ye old century.


And Jesus said to his followers: Thou shalt not type...wait a sec...not another freeze.
Time to move into the 1st century and get me one of those cool new iphones with an s at the end.

Cost: Free

From September 8 to 18 we are playing hosts once more to the Toronto International Film Festival. Should I go? If you truly want to experience any of the 400 films from over 60 countries, then the answer is definitely yes. Lots of good ones premiere at this festival, but the bulk of them are definitely a borefest. You just have to find the gems yourself.

Now if you only want to experience the hollywood stars and give a crap about Brad and Angelina and the rest of the gang, then I think you're better off watching them at home and keeping the downtown streets unclogged. But, I do understand some of you are diehard fans, and if they entertain you, then why not? Go nuts! Sit and camp under the window of their hotel room with the photographers and that good mannered hobo who holds your door while you go into Timmy's (I always suspected that guy is actually a bored Bay St. billionaire, out on his lunch conducting a sociological experiment). Anyway, back to TIFF - beware that along with the A stars there's also some A-class garbage that's gonna fill our streets. Those special stars with an asterisk besides their A's, like the diva who can't make an appearance without a pair of diamond-encrusted headphones. Following is a reenactment of the proper response.

J'LO Reenactment

Now one more time, how many tiaras your highness requests?

Or the posers who can't produce an original song if they were slapped in the face by a trout.


Pictured: Fergie using the five finger discount technique on a stolen mobile.
It's not stealing if u change the ringtone.

And of course, who could forget the douchebags. Stay away from these A-class garbage should they be encountered on our streets come TIFF time. Like the idiots who can't put out a song w/out smearing their douche name all over its lyrics...you know, in case you mistake their voice with some church choir that has inexplicably made its way onto your "Gangasta' in my ass" album.


Youtube


Youtube

Cost for TIFF: $12.00 to $22.25 + tax (adult) per screening

Well it's only fair I took time to talk about one of our most famous landmarks. Why now? Because we have an incredible deal for a very short time. Click here, print this coupon, and get access to CN Tower and its observation floor for only 10 bucks (after 8PM every day). So go catch the sunset and save some money on the way, otherwise that regular admission price they charge is reason enough to add them in the next issue of Al Qaeda's popular Inspire magazine (see below). If crazy Ahmed knew the extortion methods used up here in Canada, he would drop his AK47 and put up a ticket booth by the lake front, charge $34.99 for lakeshore entry, and would be happy knowing on his way to his 72 virgins our country's going to hell one loonie at a time.

$34.99 admission price...!facepalm!

You may recall some other evils unleashed on this city by the minions of CN Tower. But there are some positives. You can enjoy its views from the outside and let me tell you, that is one damn nice postcard. Despite the evilness inside it, I am proud to display it as part of my homepage image, I am proud it's a part of my city, and I am proud to use it as an example when the women ask me in the morning just how did I do that magic that they've never experienced before.

Cost: $10

I think by now we've all felt the sting of the regular rape we receive when we try and venture out to the local movie theatre. Thanks to great monopolies (err..companies) like Cineplex and AMC, we can now enjoy our favorite blockbuster release for about $15/ticket after taxes and a nice bag of popcorn for up to $7 a bag. And let's not forget the mini slice of pizza pizza that will rape you for $7.25, and that sells for about $2 and change across the street. Realistically the studio companies (employing vicious mafia cartels, such as the MPAA), demand anywhere from 80%-100% of movie ticket profits from the theatre company in the first week of a movie's release.

Well, with fair prices like this, it just makes it that much more enjoyable to stay home, sit back and relax, and enjoy your favorite blockbuster new release on your lcd big screen, thanks to the good folks at Funshion. You can even get your favorite buttery microwave popcorn and soda from the discount market for less than a buck to enjoy your movie night.

Now wait a minute...isn't pirating movies wrong? I heard every time someone watches a pirate movie, an angel dies. Is that true?

Well, sort of. It's true in the same sense CIA and Bush were co-conspirators with the alien mothership in bring down the twin towers on 9/11 to incite unnecessary hatred towards the good folks over at Al-Qaeda.

Speaking of terrorist groups, the cartel known as MPAA, reveals the following hits when googling images of f*ck + mpaa:

This


And This


And This


To put it bluntly, if MPAA was my b*tch I would cut its tongue and use it to plug a hole in a wasp nest. If those executives were any more stupid, their brains would be declared such a disaster area that even FEMA won't touch. If that company operated in a developing country it would be legally called a military junta, and its board of directors would require a daily execution of a minimum of 20 political prisoners (also known as pirates).

Therefore companies like Funshion are allright for home movie night, but what if you want to catch the flick in a theatre? Maybe you don't have surround sound at home, or a big screen tv, or maybe you just want to get away from the nagging mother-in-law. Well, you can still enjoy a night out at the movie theatre and not get raped. Here's how:

The Alternatives:

1. You can use discounts to get around the outrageous prices you're being charged at the monopolies.

2. You can discover the wonderful world of budget cinemas. In Toronto you have Rainbow Cinemas, Bloor Cinema, and others, where you can enjoy the newest hollywood release for only $5/ticket. On special weekdays you can even get a matinee showtime for $2/ticket for older movies that you may not have seen. They're still a company, they're still turning profits to be able to afford selling you tix for $2 or $5 for the newest releases, so how the hell do you justify wasting $15/ticket at Cineplex and AMC? Well, that's up to you. The only catch here is the theatre is small (if that matters) and you don't get the gazillion inch, 6 storey screen. What you do get is a nice family outing, to a movie theatre with a large screen, with popcorn priced accordingly (nowhere near $7.25), and with a nice atmosphere on a cool summer night in TO.

Cost: as low as $2/tix

PS. In case I was too subtle before, screw MPAA and screw every Hollywood movie studio out there.

This weekend, Woofstock in the downtown core is here..."300,000 dog lovers and their four-footed friends coming together each year for this wildly popular doggie love-in!". If that place is a'humping...don't go a'knocking! Actually what you'll get is a couple of days of dog shows, stoopid dog tricks and dogs dressed as <insert humiliating character here>. But speaking of stoopid dogs..I will let our friends from 2 Stupid Dogs explain you what this event is all about:

Well our yokel friend over there is correct. It's a great festival to honor our four-legged friends. There'll be dogs as far as the eye can see and if you are a cat person, than this is the absolute worse time to bring out Mrs Whiskers. Unless Mrs Whiskers is the kitten-spawn of Chuck Norris' cat and Steaven Seagal's (asian looking but actually full on white) cat. Then you get something like this, and for the love of Jeff, keep it away from this festival...AIEEEE!!!!


Judo Chop HAI!

Cost: Free

Yes, I'm talking about

<----- this-a-one. A lot of posts here deal with cool stuff to do that does not cost a lot of money. Stuff that students and the unemployed can often afford. Stuff that provides quality and entertainment for a reasonable price. Sometimes the price is a little high, but so is the value and entertainment gained from it. But when you have an asshole(s) behind a product or service, you get this, and this, and more recently this.

Wait, what?

In case you did not click on that last link, it tells of CN Tower offering walking tours on the outside of its top. Something like this

Now you know me, I'm the first guy in the pool, up for any extreme adventure. But wait till you hear the details, and the rape you are about to get via its price tag. Now the details start out promising. It's built by the AJ Hackett group, which has built a lot of cool stuff like this in other parts of the world. It's the only thing of its kind in North America. It's...err...well that's all the good stuff.

The bad stuff begins and ends with the price tag, a whopping $200 after HST for 30 min of 'walking'. How bout the restrictions in place - for example you only have the drop on one side, whereas other skywalk towers done by the same group outside of north america can have drops on both sides...much more exhilarating. How about the group factor? 6-8 people per walk, ensures every photo of you will have 6 other strangers in the view ruining the moment. How about the no-personal cameras allowed? Why? So they can charge upwards of $20 or more PER PHOTO post walk. You want to brag or remember your walk, folk over $100 more. And don't give me the safety issue, the same skywalk on the Macau tower offer you the option to give your camera to the guide for safety and he'll take all the shots on your own damn camera. These thieves have sunk to a level lower than the North Atlantic Pickpocketing Duck, also known as the five-finger discount quack.


The North Atlantic Pickpocketing Duck seen here operating as a family business

Now I've had first-hand experiences with a skywalk like this in Macau, so I can make a direct comparison between the Macau skywalk (or the others currently outside of north america), and the CN Tower Canadian version of it that's about to hit our city. Keep in mind, they're built and maintained by the exact same group. Before you decide if it's worth it for you, consider the following:



So what have we learned? Hopefully you are a little more wiser now and realize this activity is a PASS. Not fit for any budget, not fit for fun, not fit for Toronto.

Cost: 200 freakin dollars plus some exorbitant amount for photos